We all have our favourite emotional hiding spots. The “best” ones are the activities, vices or jobs that make us forget we’re hiding in the first place.
In the past I’ve sometimes referred to myself as, Hiding in Plain View, and I was. For years I was kind of like the “lights are on but no one’s home”, person but dragging myself from place to place was not the highest commitment I could have made.
At first I didn’t know I was hiding; then when I figured it out I feathered my nest, in other words dug myself deeper.
It’s hard to gauge the “success” of a good a hidey-hole when years of usage, original reasoning and lack of awareness come to mind. I’m sure originally it was dug for very good reasons, all the same it was a secret, I think, I even kept from myself. Interestingly, once discovered I still tried to keep it from myself—by using whatever means were at my disposal to 1) stay asleep and/or, 2) get back to sleep as often as possible. I even kept it from my partner (but I suspect he had one of his own at least as good, so I was in “good” company).
I discovered the problems with emotional hiding spots, and secrets in general, is that over time they tend to morph, and migrate–into shapes and areas we didn’t plan on (although its not like I planned anything in the first place), which calls for more subterfuge; deliberate and unconscious.
It’s hard to live with a fraud—especially when that fraud is you. This secret-keeping shit is isolating which means its comfort factor wears off when you become conscious of what you’re doing.
Maybe that’s why we partner up; it’s easier to hide in a “crowd” than alone. Maybe we’re hoping someone will find us, even when we don’t know we’ve been hiding in the first place. Maybe we partner up because we get a little lonely. We might be thinking, at least if we’re with someone else, we can pretend 1) we haven’t got a secret hidden or, 2) that we’re hiding at all. Both of which are a lie.
Or maybe the real reason we partner up is because we’re truly terrified of becoming whole unto ourselves. Maybe we think there really is a part of us that’s monstrous and unlovable.
Nothing’s as depressing as hiding in plain view and not being found–even by yourself. I may have “won” the game but as it turns out, my friends were having a hell of a good time discovering each other while I was hiding in plain view.
If any of this sounds vaguely familiar maybe you’re a little like me–playing it safe for reasons long dead–and in the process killing a part of yourself.
The good news is nothing real ever dies so come back to life. Maybe your world, like mine, is safer and better than when you left it. And someone great is looking for you—and that person is you.