Maybe not because it isn’t just the time spent, although the farther away from an emotional blow, the better you’re at making peace with it.
It’s not just the time it takes though, it’s what you do with that time, the decision you make when you decide to (finally) let go of the pain or the person who caused it; and putting that decision into action by guarding your consciousness against the insertion of painful memories or longing.
So, it may appear as if “time heals all wounds” but it’s actually a combination of the length of time it takes to grieve and you, consciously making the decision to stop grieving; which btw takes way longer than you ever imagined.
Time + decision + action = release OR One breath + stopping thoughts = peace
Using your consciousness or awareness will get you similar results. Whichever.
Hard to believe I know. But leaving pain behind is an active choice. Grieving and pain is still a choice but a passive one, one you’re not always aware you’re responsible for.
Emotional feelings are powerful energy. For me, it’s like being in a boat without oars, on a swiftly moving river of rapids. I’m just white-knuckling it until the river calms. But the super annoying thing is the river rarely calms on its own. Typically it takes me miles of white-knuckling before I remember something is actually required of me, other than endurance.
For those of you still suffering from either, 1) being unaware you must make a choice or, 2) refusing to make one, what I’ve just said will likely piss you off. You’re going to think of a reason why I’m wrong.
And I could be, in fact I often am. So go ahead and keep your pain, your anger and your grief. It’s your life and how you spend your time is your business because there’s no limit to the amount of pain we can handle or how long we suffer—which oftentimes—is without end. Now that, I know something about.
Here’s a little example (out of too many to count).
When my son was born it became apparent something was “wrong”. Long story short he was eventually diagnosed with (amongst a host of other things) developmental delay. Do you know how long it took me to grieve the loss of the image I had of the son I’d birth—meaning “normal”? Six-to-eight years, does that seem incredible to you? It does to me.
Okay here’s another little one. My mother died (while I was pregnant with my son). For two years straight, and almost daily, I’d reach for the phone to call her only to watch my hand return empty to my side. I can still see my bare arm reach out to her. It’s been almost 20 years.
Here’s my point: somewhere along the line the grief replaces the thing you’re actually grieving. To let go of the pain now is to let go of that last remaining shred of what was lost—and to let go of this last shred, of what delusion? Seems unimaginable in its sneaky unconscious truth; the imagined son, the much-needed mother, the loss of whom and what you were before the world crashed down and blew you up with it.
We can be aware of a lot without being conscious of it
If this has only happened to you once or twice you’ll notice that when you do decide to let go, you’re reborn something like a shaky-legged fawn. Instinctively you know you have the legs to stand but you can’t quite balance. When you do you’re a whole new person. It’s weird. The alienating feeling of being “new you” does wear off as you navigate the next leg of your life.
What you don’t know at this point is that you’re actually traveling in a circle.
But that’s another story :0)
PS> Know someone who can’t move on and would (maybe) like too? Please send this along. Helping others is really what’s it’s all about, right?